She took a deep breath in, threw her arms up on the table and with the most weepy cry she could manage she burred her face in her arms, and sobbed. Her princess wedding veil covered half of her brown twisted hair, and her voice bounced off the the aluminum table to echo through out the entire restaurant.
My face, if you could only have seen my face.
My daughter was crying because she wanted food, but we were NOT eating the RIGHT kind of food. AND because we weren’t going “somewhere fun”, RIGHT NOW, and because she was wearing HUGE Belle ball gown and people were looking at her.
and.. and.. and…
AND…. in that moment, all I could see was…. me. He was showing me a cute… (ok.. not so cute..) picture of myself from the last few months.
Me, throwing a mini fit even though there are incredible blessings right in front of me. I try so hard to lead the kids in thankfulness, and at one point during this day, I even told them that the next ten things they each were allowed to say HAD to be ten things they were thankful for.
Kai listed 12. Leiliah pouted more… x 12.
I feel like Leiliah in this moment a lot. Big huge dishes of blessings heaped in front of me. HUGE ones. Ones I never thought I would have, and God keeps giving more.
A few months ago I asked God for a new place to live. I waited for 7 months. 7 long, hard, pout filled months. Months that I cried a lot wondering what in the world He was waiting for. I wrote in my journal times when He was saying it was coming soon. That I needed to just to rest in Him and trust Him. After one super frustrating week, He asked me to take a week off from house hunting and just come and be with Him. To worship Him
I did. I praised Him as if all of my dreams had already come true. This is called Towdah.**
**Towdah should be the name of my next child.
The next day, after that week, I found THE house. Like, “THE DRESS.” The feeling of awe and bliss I assume is just the same as I felt in this moment. It was less than ten days after the journal entry when I felt like He was telling me it was coming soon.
My house, it has rainbow tiles in the bathroom shower. If you’ve known me for 20 seconds you would know, I like happy things… like rainbows and glitter. There are glitter speckles in my bathroom vanity counter top. I’m telling you, God designed this place for me, I am sure of it. (it’s now called #thelovehouse. YUP it has it’s own hash tag. 😉
I have made it a point that every shower, for every rainbow tile, I will thank God for something, because I want to never get use to the incredible blessings He continues to love me with. But, the truth is lately I feel more like Leilie here, than a grateful rainbow-tile lover. The rush of the days pass by and I forget where I have come from, and how far God has brought me. I feel like the Israelites more than I want to admit. God has lead me into a beautiful place, and sometimes I, in my pretend wedding veil and ball gown, huff about.
“MANNA? YEAH but I want Cinnamon rolls from heaven. AND I wants them slightly warmed. OH and I am going to pout…x 12 until I get them.”
Singleness has been my biggest HUFF. (Oh and I cringe as I write that, because it is gut level honest.)
I know all of the right things to say, and I know what the truth is, but my goodness sometimes waiting its just hard. It is a constant battle of repentance, turning my mind BACK to Jesus and saying… YES to His timing. The answer to this is not a guy. The answer is falling more in love with Jesus. That dance, is so easy, and yet, every time I get frustrated at His super long timeline, I build an offense with Him in my own heart. There is nothing that is more frustrating than hiding in the garden from the one who already knows why I am there… AGAIN.
One thing that gave me so much freedom can from a quote I read last week from my incredible Pastor, John Garcia.
“Some dreams should be buried. Not because they are dead, but because they are seeds.”
(He tagged me in this note, and there you will find more incredible words of wisdom. Maybe more that are meant for you)
I had been carrying around this big huge avocado seed for a long time. Looking at it, holding it, and never actually placing it in the soil and allowing God to do great things because I was so busy carrying it around. I am proud of it. The promise He gave me. But so proud, I never just let it go to became fully mature under His guidance AND His TIMING.
Leiliah means highest point of heaven.
In other words, His perceptive.
His timing, is called Kairos in Greek.
My son’s name.
When I take His perspective, I am free to trust His timing. I have constant reminders of His perspective and His timing in my life, daily.
The more I take it in my hands and manipulate it with my own agenda, ideas, or idolotry the less of His power and anointing it has on it because I shifted the perspective to being about me instead of to glorify Him.
Maybe your promise if different than mine. Maybe the ache in your heart for a dream of yours is bigger. Know that He placed that there for a reason. Honor that, and turn your affection back to Him. Honor His timing. He wants to give you a harvest. A BIG ONE. But one you know how to trust Him with. This time of learning to depend on Him and not earthy circumstances will be a sweet refreshing mists over you for the rest of your life. Turn your mind back to Jesus, and rest in His arms. Our promises can become idols so fast. (TRUST ME. I KNOW. We’ve had lots of idol smashing gone on up in here… Many many times. And by we I mean Jesus.)
Be thankful for the manna because He knows your body, your spiritual body need nourishment more than a cin-a-bon 😉