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God’s Icing (and a little taste from my book)

I was praying this week asking for God’s perspective but instead of saying the word “perspective”, I said icing.

Yes, icing.

I asked for God’s His icing.
I feel like that word is pretty much interchanging with the word perspective don’t you? 😉
I either need a cupcake intervention or sleep.
Probably both. 😉

I’m writing a book.
I’ve told you this.
There is a difference in saying it verses doing it.

A BIG DIFFERENCE.
One involve skipping with glee and imagination.. and the other involves the interesting process of pouring out ones soul, with black butterflies and all.

I am doing it. Here is a little piece of cupcake from the sweetness of my heart.
You are the first to see it.

Enjoy the icing of His perspectives and me growing up through the baking process…

FROM THE BOOK:
I tell God a lot I don’t want Him to be the “God of my imagination”. I don’t want Him to be stuck between the moments where I picture who He is and He morphs as my mood does. I walk in the garden of my soul  with Him; He makes me tea, and makes me smile. Yet somehow, I feel I trap Him there. In a cruel unintentional way. In a way I never meant to but when I leave that imagined garden and step into the moisture of everyday circumstances, I admire Him at a distance. Memories of Him are like field I once walked through and I remember His affection. Imagined time and relational systems create a structure in my mind that keep Him grounded in my understanding of possibilities. This is not really Him. This is me creating a time and space that I can control, an experience of God the looks and feels like…me.

He wants me to know Him, and not just in the way my mind knows things. Not in the way my heart anticipates feelings from certain events and plugs them into a compartment that feels comfortable. He does not want to be a compartmentalized God. He wants to be the God of freedom. When He speaks I pause in every way possible. “I made you to be unique. To scurry like you do and dance like you do. I created thought and imagination as a way for you to get to know My heart, not limit My ability. You limit you, and so you limit Me. But I made you limitless. Don’t limit your potential in search of who you are. You will learn your potential when you learn who I AM. ”

Love Always,
Julie

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December 13, 2013 - 7:35 pm

Ghadah Rahman - Beautiful

December 13, 2013 - 7:51 pm

Cassy Perez - so precious, <3 you to pieces!!! :-)

December 13, 2013 - 8:13 pm

Chrissy Welenc - Amazing.

Fever.

 

I’ve read the countless posts.

They are like opened love letters to the world, cut from jagged envelopes. Each word was placed there intentionally, but the feelings that overflow are more like open wounds cut from the pieces of broken hearts.
I can relate.

The words are place together with passion, tears, relentless suffering and pain. It’s as it each key that is typed was pressed with the expectancy of freeing apart of themselves that has hidden in the shadows of lost destiny. They are written by the women who walk to the throne room of God and beg for a baby.

Each time I read their words, I ache.

Each time I feel some connectivity to them but in a way that makes me feel ridiculous for even identifying with their heat aches.  How could I ever relate to their pain from something different and so similar all at once? Yet something in their heart song is familiar to me. Its a noise I’ve heard over and over. The sound my soul makes when the patience gives out. When my heart break before Him goes seemingly unnoticed.

It hurts.

I identify with the longing for something and yet my heart cry is the backwards of there’s.

I’ve asked Him so many times.
Begged Him.
Called out to Him when only two arms and two babies don’t make sense. I’ve asked in the cold of the night and the lonely of the day; What are you doing? You have placed this relentless desire in me to be a wife, and yet I stand at the door of singleness welcoming passers by to the party that feels more like a hay ride then the Christmas celebration we are trying to convince ourselves of.

God’s there though. He is as welcoming as He is strong, as fierce as He is love.

We, the single ones, have fallen into a trap. It’s one that temps us to lay the burdens of the dreams of our hearts desires at the edge of a cliff and push it off. We are being beckoned to believe that it’s easier to kill our dream then believe they are still possible.

They are possible.
It’s in that still that we must rest.

It seems like the hurt of watching our heart’s desires dissipate seems less painful then the fight of keeping them at bay among the sea of compassion. I look at the barbie doll brides through the plastic window of the world and see how she glows. How is it that one beauty has everything I have ever asked God for? Does she know He has given her the very gift I have asked him for? I know, while I rest He works. Resting for me sometimes seems more like window shopping; which is more like tiptoe-face-to-glass-dream comparison then hammock sitting, let alone cultivating a heart of thanksgiving…..

In the stillness He is working. In the stillness He is moving. In the stillness…I sit fidgeting.

As I look back and forth from history to future, and my mind sways form His perspective back to mine and then all over again. I think about what Joshua felt like, having clear direction from the Lord, to march, to walk, to march in anticipation of walls falling down.

Walk in anticipations of God doing something. I feel kike I’m on the 6th day of the march. My feet ache, my heart wonders. My mind crosses into the next day and lies about it’s happenings.

I saw an image of a timeline, in my hearts mind today. It was being rearranged. The past and future were being altered simultaneously as each unmarked life even got moved from the future to the past and vise verse. With each word from the atmosphere of declaration and proclamation, the markers on the timeline shifted. They shifted because I believed and began speaking my agreement with His promises….. out loud.

Joshua shouted on the last day of the wall walk. The day right before the wall collapsed. In that moment of pure and utter adenine and eager expectation. As a cry of  a mother who birth life, not from her body but from her soul into the earth, my heart shouts in expectation.

I shout not because of defeat, or failure. Not because my eyes wonder into tomorrow or my feet are the only thing that set a pace for forward movement. I scream because He is birthing, and I am expecting the delivery of something set into motion long before I needed it. I scream because I expect Him to move the walls keeping me from blessing…..

Even in the days were all I can do is crawl on the ground, tasting the dust of the earth and the grit in my nails, I will move towards Him, knowing He did not intend for me to get my dress dirty in the valley. He’s already planning to make it better than new, before it ever gets torn. By the time my now meets His now, He has already mended the mess. So often He is adjusting the timeline I haven’t met yet, He just wants to use my words as initiation into destiny. Like and introduction to the world after marriage, like an introduction to the world after birth, declare the name you’ve been given, and walk in it’s authority.

“Give the battle cry, for the LORD is handing the city over to you!” Joshua 6:16

I am Love.
Love Always, Julie

 

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November 1, 2013 - 5:44 pm

Carly Fuller - Absolutely moving…

November 1, 2013 - 5:55 pm

Cassy - Ahhhhh Jules!!! You’ve done it again! Beautiful, vulnerable thoughts and feelings that are like patches to this beautiful cloth of testimony that Papa has wrapped you in. So gorgeous, so wonderful beautifully designed releasing healing and joy to those who experience it! Thank you my gorgeous Sister for being the voice for so many single mama/ single Princesses out there, and thank you for writing how I, your Sissy, knows you really live. BAAAAAMMMM! Take that love bomb BAHAHAHA

Loves you,
Cassy =)

Moo-Moos & Mini Mirrors

She squeezed my hand and the warmed from her touch reached my heart in an instant. We walked up the school bulling, hand in hand, Kairos 9 feet in front of us already. His walk was more of a fast skip as he raced forward in the independence of not having to hold mom’s hand. He knew the routine and there was freedom in that.

She holds my hand, he runs ahead. The relational and the warrior.

We reached the side walk were we give out last goodbye for the day. She fidgets her feet; I fluff her hair. I felt the need to kneel down, way down, to her level so I could really hug her. She lingered there for a while, hugging and chatting, hugging once again in-between sentences. Somehow I see more of me in her, than I see of  own herself. She reflect me; my heart, the way I speak, my expressive eyes. We both love quality time and this five mins of her and I, eye to eye, was just what her love tank needed . I told her she would be safe today as Holy Spirit whispered in my heart to tell her. I kissed her on the forehead breathing her in as my knees pressed down on the cold concrete.

By the time I got up I could feel her, in my spirit.

I walked away from that moment noticing the invisible pull from her to me. Like a cord that connects us. I watched her walk down the long outside hallway toward class wanting to cry because…. I love her. I left thinking how amazing that it really feels like  she is my heart walking outside of my body. That somehow a piece of me was inside  of her, a piece of me I never want back but long to protect and nuture.

I rested in those thoughts as I climbed back into my car. My hear lingered and before long I was back to the garden. Back to thoughts of what was God’s original intention for us was. He made us to look like Him, to be with Him to relate to Him. He made us as son’s… .

I am God’s heart walking around outside of His body.

That is how He sees me.

I came back home to the stillness, to the softness of His presence and the openness of my heart for His affection.

I realized today how much there is a hidden presence that attacks intimacy from a child to parent. There is a constant ever flowing push from the world for independence from being a parent. I feel like push lead us away from the fluttering eyes and hearts of our children. It tells us that being a present parent is a burden. It tells us being a parent is hard and ” when they get older it’s worse.”

It pains me, that this is how our generation is building the next. Children, are a gift but we do not talk about them like they are annoying. We don’t tell them that they are words from heaven. That they are pieces of Gods heart that we can learn from and that each of them, each of us, are here to give the world a new glimpse of who God is. We don’t tell them that they are valuable and we as a community of people joke about the annoyances of raising the next generation. These are the very people who will have our finger prints on their hearts.

I often giggle in my mind as I sort through the lies of being a single parent. Singleness. I’ve considered buying a moo-moo and a few cats at times but thankfully I have great friends who insist this is really not necessary.   The real truth is, one of the reasons in the natural that I am single is because I have kids. I laughed about it this morning because I thought if God had placed value on something tangible….. like having An EPIC car and I had TWO epic cars….. I would be the talk of the town.

But GOD placed value on children… and I have two, and that is one thing keeps men at bay. I am by no means complaining about protection from frogs of men, or at being single. I am simply stating that the world is creating this frog mindset that we encourage in each other.  If God says children are gifts… that is what I believe in my soul. The world says they are a burden unless they are wanted, and even if they are wanted as soon as they are inconvenient then they are a burden again.

A few months after my youngest was born, I was at a friend’s Thanksgiving dinner where I was one of two mothers with two babies on the hip. The room took turns going around and sharing what they did to get to know one another. They shared their successes, their achomplismnets, and when they got to me, they skipped over me. They went right on to the next person at the table and no one noticed…. but me.  They looked and saw that I was JUST a mom and that wasn’t REALLY interesting or successful. I didn’t have anything of interesting to offer them as a person. I was actually defined by ‘having two kids.” That was it.

The more I understand who I am as a daughter of God the more I realize I am actually defined by His nature. The more I know who He is the more I know who I am.**
**((THIS school>> Is rocking my world>> LSSM: ))

My children define themselves by me. Who I say they are is what they believe. What I say in words or actions is what they believe about themselves. It empowered them, or debilitates them.

Who God says I am is what I believe. Who God says they are is what I believe.

I believe that children are a gift from God… I want to treat His gifts with the Love and Kindness He treats me with.
Its time for a mentally shift… back to God’s heart. <3 <3 <3
“….for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

Love always,
Julie

 

September 18, 2013 - 11:36 pm

Sharon Plant - Beautiful! love it! Thanks for sharing!

Just three words with Great Love, changes everything.

There were a million things rushing through my head. Most of them had to do with me, not being enough, me fighting off lies.. me.. me…me.

I really could have written a chorus of melody from the enchanting symbols of junk I was working through in my mind. During the busy of life, I fought to re-center. I was fighting for perspective. I was doing everything I knew to do, but last night it finally broke off.

I walked to the end of the hallway to peek into the kid’s room. Leilie’s big Disney princess eyes fluttered at me and I walked over to her bed and snuggled in. We talked for a bit about nothing and everything. We talked about her gunnie pig who was visiting our house from her dad’s house.

We whispered to each other. We giggled with each other. As I got up and walked away from her, I turned back and smiled.

“Good night, Moma” she said as I turned to walk away…

…..and that did it.

Those 3 sweet words totally and completely broke me. By break, I mean I felt them in my soul and in one quick motion I instantly knew what had been attacking me that week and those words broke it off.  Before I had walked down stairs I was already crying…..

Sometimes I wish there were a formula to these things. One I could repeat and create a system that makes sense and could be repeated. This made no sense to me why those words lifted the veil for me so I could see Him clearly again, but my goodness I am so thankful…

3 mins later I was laying on the floor in my kitchen, a place that is super comfortable to me, a place my kids have gotten use to seeing me. I had put one music and just lay there with Him, noticing that pride has swept me away this week.  It had entered some where along the way and it took one little girl with great love, without striving, to break it off.

This reminds me how powerful we all are. How in one moment of great love we have the most impact. When we strive to be something or somebody we miss something greater: who we are called to be.

As I laid there on the cold wood floor, arms and hear open and surrendered, Jesus met me there. In the stillness of my soul, in the turning of my heart back to Him, He came and showed me some incredible perspectives and all I could think to do was ask if there was anything else He wanted to show me… The answer was a constant yes.

He told me a lot about destiny last night. How I have made it be something it was never meant to be. How I have made it into a place instead of a journey with Him leading every step of the way. Some how in the coolness of the floor and the warmness of the moment His love over took me and redesigned apart of my heart and I am changed.

I hope I remember that I too can be that little girl. The one who speaks three words with great love and it breaks off bondage from an entire week. I have that power… and she does too… and she doesn’t even know it.

Being profound begins with learning to Love with His Love deeply, without agenda. It’s learning that in the vulnerability of love we have the greatest power. It’s learning there is more Love in the not trying moments then the ones where we force ourselves to be something this world tells us to be. We have the power to change this entire world when we become and empty vessel for Him to fill. A vessel doesn’t have to try to be what it was made to be. In it’s entirety, it’s just is meant to be filled.

This morning she woke up extra early and crawled into bed with me. She told me about grace. She told me that she loves my smile. She told me that there is nothing I could do to separate me from her love. She told me she was a gift to me… and that I needed someone to love.

Yes.

Yes, to all of those things. Yes, because I know that voice. I know the smell of those words. They are from the Heart of the King and sometimes His still small voice sounds like a 6-year-old little girl with strawberry smelling bed head

May love and grace flood your heart today. May you meet Him in the secret place and encounter Him like never before.

Love always,
Julie

 

A Letter to my Future Husband,

Dear Future Husband,

I was thinking about you, yesterday morning while getting ready. I paused for a moment realizing that everything spiritually in my life this year has shifted. God is bringing me to a new level of intimacy, and I thought maybe it’s because you’ve been praying for me….

The thought of that made me want to hug you…. RIGHT THEN AND THERE.

I pray for you constantly. That God would bring you to new levels of intimacy that you would spend more time in His presence than anywhere else. I pray He would bring you into your destiny and draw you closer and closer to His heart.

The kids are excited to meet you. They ask about you all the time and their eyes get wide when they talk about you. “I can’t wait to have a step daddy! When is he coming? I can’t wait to see how he will make you smile, mommy. Then you will have a grown up to cuddle with you.” It’s cute how they know me so well.

One day they will know you too. They will know what make yours eyes light up but even more so what makes your heart light up too. They are in constant mode of love and grace and I promise you will learn more about God’s heart for you through them than you ever thoughts possible. They will teach you so much about God’s grace. They will show you when you mess up, when you heart is heavy, or when you are in tears and ask them for forgiveness, they will restore you to the place of honor in their lives so quickly. Just as they have for me so many times. They will hold your face close to theirs and bless you with words from heaven, right from His heart. They will hold your heart and one day you will think “How did I ever live with out them?”

They are gifts, and I am so thankful that you get to have the deluxe God gift package deal with us three… Three for one- Instafam.

I am excited for you to tell me all about the conversations you’ve had with God about me. I imagine I will sit in anticipation as you tell me how you asked the God of the universe to date His daughter. WOW. I know you will be a mighty man of valor because my goodness, what a question!

One thing you will learn very quickly is that since I am His princess, I have naturally found myself among Kings, Queens and Princes of this world. I know you know that these powerful people will act as gate keepers and guardians… I have been taught by the best of the best how to be honored, loved, respected, guarded, cherished, adored, empowered and to expect to be treated with nothing less than honor and respect. You will find me perfectly conditioned to expect all of the incredible grooming you’ve had by the Leaders, the Kings and Princes in your life. All of this time, in all of your relationships with your sisters, friends, brothers, and mothers … all of that training has lead you to this… God’s been equipping you to date the His daughter for the rest of your life.

You’ll find that the leaders in my life are also very equip to… well… guard me… and that means, you’ll have to get to know them…
Sometimes in a dark room, with a lamp over head. Some of them are big and have guns…. and some of them have killed men with their bare hands… Some of them are Ninjas that you will never actually see, but there will be moments when you will know.. THEY ARE WATCHING YOU. Ok, so maybe not but, when you meet them, you’ll feel that way. 😉

I know you will be thankful for them, because these are the people who have lived life with me in the raw, real and gritty. These are the people who have wiped my tears, held me when I needed it and made me laugh with pure and utter joy. They are the people who have been tirelessly praying for you.. long before they knew your name. These are the people who have kept the frogs out of my life while I’ve been waiting for you.

You’ll find that I too, have may gates, invisible ones that protect my heart and guard my vulnerability, my sweetness and my softness. I have placed those gates there to honor the Lord, so when you come, when you honor each little part of myself I share with you, you gain access to another gate. With each little area you honor that piece you will have access to another and get one step closer to my heart. You will know by this process I have protected my heart for you because I know how valuable it is. And one day you will have it in full beauty and sweetness.

There are so may stories to share with you and SO many hopes and dreams that often time have felt lost, and yet God, who is so gracious, has restored more parts of me then I can even explain. He has shown me new desires for honor, for respect, not only for you but for me as well. He has given me such anticipation of you, such joy for your arrival, and yet with each passing day, I have grown more and more in Love with who He is.

There have been a lot of broken roads that have lead here, but you will know by my heart and my life, by the joy of my smile., God is faithful when He says He IS A God of restoration. You, my love,are a big part of that restoration for me. I often wondered if you would want someone who has had less battle wounds, but He told me then I would have less victories. I wondered if you would want someone who would experience having kids or other things with you for the first time, but He says He makes all things new. I wondered if you would come into my life and see bitterness of what you are not getting instead of the beauty of what you are….

God walked with me one day in our garden and I realized you are entering a life with incredible fruit, and harvest from that past season. You, my love, are entering the life of a woman who has walked through the storms and learned to put my hope and trust in God and not in man. You will walk into a life with tons of fruit and inheritance that you have not have to work for at all. Isn’t that just like Him? To give you all of the sweetness of a garden  you have not had to work for….And  you will be able to enjoy this harvest for the rest of your life… It’s that just like Him? He’s been tending this garden for you 😀

Beautiful.

More than any hopes or dreams I could describe to you, I am most exciting about furthering the gospel with you. About holding hands walking into a room knowing we are a force of Love for this world to be reckon with. Our stories of restoration will shake the nation because we are the little pens in the Hand of a Mighty God.

Together…. We will lead nations to Him. <3

All my love,
Jules

 


Remember the cherish the now moments… “Today is today. Tomorrow is tomorrow”- leilie

 

September 3, 2013 - 1:51 am

Julie Story - For the late nighters… a note that has been on my heart for a few days- Ninjas, deluxe God gift package’s, and an open letter to the man who will one day have my heart…

September 3, 2013 - 11:24 am

Alicia Candelora Daw - This is beautiful!

September 3, 2013 - 6:14 pm

Jillian Tree - So beautiful Julie, I love your beautiful genuine heart! <3 <3

September 3, 2013 - 6:49 pm

Melissa Love - Julie – this is wonderful and I know it will happen for you. Might have shed a little tear here.

September 3, 2013 - 7:45 pm

Giovanna - I love Julie…as you I am waiting anxiously too, in the mean time Im letting God mold me and prepare me for that day. I like the strong woman that im becoming and the value he has made me realize i have…and that alone…is priceless :)

September 5, 2013 - 3:11 am

Scarlett Lillian - Seriously so beautiful. It might take a few years but keep clinging to this letter and don’t settle until God fulfills it. I wrote a similar thing on my old blog in 2007 and God bright me Stephen in 2009. Wherever he is, he’s worth the wait. And you are too! Big hug!

September 5, 2013 - 11:47 am

Julianne - A friend sent me a link to this post and said “when you have a minute to cry, this made me think of you”. I too battle with some of the concerns you touched on here & I love your reassurance. He gets the sweetness of a garden he didn’t have to work for. God is tending the garden. I pray for my future husband all the time and I will pray now that he understands some of the things I came to learn through your post today. Thank you for sharing your heart. I will probably spend the rest of the day wrapped up in your blog!

September 5, 2013 - 3:19 pm

juliestory - Wow Julianne! You heart is so soft and lovely!!!! It’s an everyday battle to just let go, to trust that God is doing bigger things than I know. That He says He will work for me while I am resting… He is doing that for you too. He is preparing dream come true moments like you’ve never seen before… <3 You are loved little one!!!! <3

September 5, 2013 - 3:20 pm

juliestory - Scarlett!!! Thank you so much for reading… I love love LOVE your love story and I so remember how I felt when I saw your little video about you two <3 Loved seeing God honor you by waiting and LOVe seeing how incredible your lives are now... Your life is a testimony of His goodness <3

September 5, 2013 - 3:21 pm

juliestory - YES!!! Girl!! YES!!! This seaons is a time for restoration and preparation as you press into His hear of love for you. He is putting amazing jewels of love and life all over you as He prepare you for those sweet moments with your future husband.. <3

September 16, 2013 - 4:20 pm

Scarlett Lillian - I was the friend that sent Julianne your way. Glad you two could connect. Hehe :-) Glad our own story could inspire you as you wait for God’s best for you and precious little ones.