I’ve started this blog post many times.
Each time I’ve written it out, maybe embarrassment or feelings of being adequate trying to express my heart, it’s gone unpublished. I am finally going to sit here and hash it out until it is done because it keeps coming up in my heart over and over again.
I sit many days, working, fishing throughout facebook posts as the day rushes on and over half of my news feed are gorgeous woman on a journey to become thinner, posting their work outs, meals, weight measurements…. weekly and sometimes daily.
I’ve gone back and forth in my mind shifting through my own struggles with this, trying to get a grasp on why this is so sensitive to me, why does this highlight to me?
For me, it begins with with a lie. A lie that most of us ladies have heard and are feeding. The one that says “We have to be thinner to be
beautiful, wanted and loved.” Recognize that one? I heard this beast when I first became a single mom. I fed it daily as I rushed off to the gym with the notion, “If I want a higher caliber of man, than I have to be skinner.”
Yup. I believed that.
I heard that and came into agreement with it. It sucked the life out of me and the interesting thing was as long as I was feeding that lie, I never lost any weight. I actually gained weight even though I was working out 5 days a week.
I never talk about weight. It’s actually my least favorite topic….. probably because I’ve watched the most beautiful woman I know obsess over their bodies to the point of becoming extremely unhealthy emotionally, physically and mentally. I’ve watched the obsession over food, clothes, hiding certain areas, degrading themselves even saying they hate their own bodies… out loud.
I’ve never been “the skinny girl” or the one who looked like a model. My two best friends growing up were so skinny and lovely. One was a model at age 12 and the other became later on in her life. I remember telling one of them that I was so happy because I knew one day SOMEONE would think I was beautiful. That was totally my hope and how my mind had been shaped… I believed my body made me less than beautiful but one day I would be skinny and lovely.
I’ve always had curves and those curves gave way to stretch marks after I delivered two incredible gifts from heaven into this world who were each 9.5 pounds. At 5’2 and 1/2 those little babes had no where to grow but out extending my little frame way past its norm.
Over the past 4 years an intense inner healing has taken places I’ve seen a huge shift begin, but I have not arrived and this is still something I struggle with. I daily repent (which mean turning the mind to Him) and look to the heart of the King who says I am lovely and beautiful regardless of my size. When His presence is the main priority, then I can workout as an act of worshiping Him instead of worshiping and idolizing my body. This is constant mind shift for me, a turning my heart back to Him, especially when just this week, 2 people asked me if I was pregnant…
*blink blink* *tumbleweed*
The answer is No.
I often think if someone where to come into my mental house what would they find was really being worshiped there? It is Him? Is it my own desire to be beautiful by the worlds standards… ehem…Skinner?
As God has been reconstructing my heart and healing the wounds that are there, the more I realize that this body is a temple. It’s one He has lavished with beauty for His own glory. My heart longs to honor Him not only with eating healthy vibrant food to nourish my physical body but with my own perspective of my body too. He lives and dwells here, in me… and I can honor Him with not only my perspective of it but my willingness to workout, and treat me, my body, with excellence. (That means bubbles baths too 😉
The lies of the world’s perspective are arrows. They come swiftly and want to rob us of this incredible gift God has given us as women: Our beauty. The enemy was once beautiful, and now he comes to steal, kill and destroy our perspective of who’s images we are made in: Gods. We have a role, to guard and protect our minds and hearts from the world’s (doctrine of demons) arrows that feed us lies about who we are. The truth is, you right now, with your curves and your stretch marks, with that one mole you aren’t a fan off or your super straight hair you’ve always wanted curly… ARE ravishing and if you are constantly eager to look to the King you will glow more and more radiant. (Psalms 35:4)
I want to encourage you to take a moment and really get real with Jesus about your body, why you are working out or not working out. Your relationship with food and health. This is such a soar spot for so many of us but please just know I have been there. I have used food in the past as a way to cope with not having control of my life, as a way to make myself feel better in rebellion to intimacy with Jesus. The more and more I dive into this topic the more and more He is revealing to me all of the areas He is wanting to heal because of His love for me… and just know I have not arrived. I and still in a constant day to day get real talk with Him, but one thing I know for sure…. He is so so so safe to open up to.
My personal journey has had a tons of ups and downs, emotionally break downs because there are still lies I have to recognize and go back to snuggling under the shadow if His wings. It’s so amazing that just a few seconds in His presence with His peace shifts my perspective right back to the Truth. When I am in His presence what I look like is the last thing on my mind.
You have incredible influence with media, with your life and people are watching, even when you don’t realize. Your journey has the power to point someone in His direction…Where is your journey pointing to?