I’m going to be honest….
I really imagined that when I found a guy, my past would disappear because no one could see it any more. We would be a family of four and no one would know my story, and somehow that felt safe to me. That white picket fence would keep what I’ve walked through tied up in a neat little bow where no one could see any messes…
And then God sent me a tall, dark and handsome man.. and by dark I mean black. 😉 This one glorious feature allows the world to see us four as a mosaic of love pieced together. But that also means, people can see the other part of my story.
I haven’t written about it in detail because it’s being sorted through in the hashing of a book I am writing. My heart is never to dishonor anyone but to speak the truth in love and there is a lot of painful truth I have walked through. But my story has never been about a missing piece or the pain. It’s always been about me learning to walk through the valley and not stop. It’s about me learning His love for me and how to hold His hand.
When I got divorced, I felt like I had a big D over my head. I felt like I was now defined by what a lot of Christians feel is the “BIG SIN.” There are three that get highlighted often in the church in my opinion but in this case, I had the D one. What was really painful was bleeding from years of hurt and wondering around a mountain alone, trying to make sense of the life I has just walked through and going from what looked like a perfect life on the outside to dealing with a lot of wounds.
I cried, a lot. Not because of the pain from my past but from the pain of dealing with all of the lies that I had in my mind because I was now “broken.”
I believed I would never be wanted.
I believed no Christian man one would ever want to marry a non virgin.
I believed I would be alone.
I believed I was unlovable.
I believed that no one would want me because I had two kids and guys don’t want kids that aren’t theirs.
I believe God was mad at me because I choose to get divorced.
It makes me tear up to write that because in my core I believe all of those things. I’m sharing because maybe you need this. Maybe you are divorced, but you are hungry for God. Maybe your heart desires a man and you haven’t found him yet.
Can I just hug you and say…. You are worth more than the lie that try and grip you in this time. You are not defined by your past or what you have walked through. You don’t have a mark on you that says you are worth less than someone else.
You do not deserve to be treated badly. You deserved to be love and you are lovable.
God took my thorugh this intense journey, one I am still walking. He taught me that I was in fact beautiful I didn’t need to loose weight or die my hair to be lovable. He told me I was a good mom to my kids and He rapped His arms of love around me while I cried at everything I lost. And then.. He began to wipe the tears away and every lie went with it.
He showed me men who were incredible men and I spent years looking for the greatness in them, seeing how they love their wives and celebrated that love. Every time I felt those lies that I would never find someone great, I imagined Jesus, my husband was with me. And He was.
I write this because, take my story to Jesus and ask Him to do the same thing in you. Every testimony is for you to take to God and say “YES!!! I want that! Do it again God”
If He did it for me, He will do it for you.
I want to hold your face and tell you never believe one lie fear tells you. Never take on the hurts from the past as garments for your future. You are not defined by anything but His great love for you.
***If you need any encouragement, email me personally- email@example.com
You are not alone. You deserve to be treated with Love and Respect. You are not defined by you “D.”
PS This past week we had a chance to share our story as an entry into a contest for a $35K dream wedding. I told Andre at the beginning , our goal was to put ourselves out there to share our story so we could share what GOD has done. He took the broken and made it beautiful…. And so here is out story in a little video…you can vote once per day from Feb 5th – Feb 11th but more than anything, if you know someone who needs a kiss of hope, tell them what God has done in our lives… Click the video to watch (and vote 😉