I started crying today during worship for reasons I do not know. Maybe it’s what my Spirit needed but I just let it happened and felt like I didn’t need to know the reason.
Why comes up a lot in my life. Through the weeds of the past and the daisies of the future, I find myself at why wall a lot. It keeps me from Him and yet I stand there starring at it thinking if I just look at the questions in my heart a little longer, the wall will come down and all will be revealed.
There are some things in my past I want answers to. I find myself dancing around like a “good little christian” trying to keep myself from asking questions I don’t think I am allowed to ask. I question God, and it’s not that I question who He is, I question the circumstances that lead to certain events.
I remember times in my past where years later I was gifted the answers I wanted prior. When I saw it all at once, it made sense. Had I had my answers when I wanted them, I might have rejected them and grown more cold then open to Him.
It’s interesting that “why” can begin to harbor distrust in our hearts. As if little seeds get sprinkles in our garden and thistles begin to grown when we water them with frustrations of who we think He is instead of the truth. Kim Walker Smith put my heart into words on a youtube video I saw where she talked about needing to know why of bad things that happened to her. She eventually realized her need to know why was creating offense between her and God. It was keeping her from going to the next place of intimacy with Him. And so she opened her hands and closed the book what held all of her “whys” to Him.
We want to know the whys of our past but God wants us to know the whys of our future. Why does He lavish us with blessing? Why does He love it when we proposer? Why does He want come close to us and be in relationship with us? Because we are heirs. We are his children. Adopted through Jesus as sons and daughters.
When we stand and look at the wall, we can stare at is long enough until we forget we are in relationship with Him. He is constantly trust worthy yet sometimes our own misunderstanding of His intentions burn bridges between His heart and ours. And if the edges of our skirts get singed, we become more offend at Him.
He has never changed. He has never walked away. He is constant and so if our connection to Him has become a rope bridge in the amazon of frustration, we have some repairs that need to be done.
Jesus always shows up with His hammer and nails ready to restore. He is always in the mood to mend where the whys of our hearts have eroded the path. He is interested in our trust and building the trust that was lost. Can we trust Him even if we never know why the bad things happen? Can we hold onto Him and let go of our offense at what He is not doing? Can we take the invitation to take a step towards Him and let Him heal us even if He doesn’t give us the answers we are wanting?
It’s easy to write those words. It’s easy to click the keys and throw questions in the air hoping that hearts grasp it, but when we come across the bridge that leads us to letting go of our offense with Him, it’s hard to take the first step.
I’ve felt it.
I’ve taken the long walk to His throne many times with things bound around my neck. I drop the weight of the frustrations there and cry it our for a while. I’ve learned one of the most important things in my connections with Him is take it all to Him, and don’t leave until I’m honest. Don’t leave until I have unpacked every bag I have willingly carried in myself. Don’t leave until I tell Him truly how I feel. And once it is all out on the table, don’t leave until He washes His word over me.
Be willing to take a step towards hurt to maintain connection. Our misunderstandings about God’s heart because boulders around our necks and we wonder around anticipating His anger instead of His love. That creates hurt. Misconceptions of who He is creates splinters in our souls that make our whole body ache because we were made by Him to be loved by Him. Lies about who He is feels uncomfortable. Lies paint pictures of a locked door of connection with Him with an impossible “good works” combination. None of that is the truth. Truth sets us free.
The door is always open. We have all of the keys through Jesus, but what we believe will launch forward us or keep us anchored to bottom of the sea.
We have absolute access to His heart which means we are welcome to ask. We are welcome to ask like a little child would, but just like with little children we guard them from answers. Often we don’t tell them details that would hurt their hearts of create fear in their lives. We protect them by what we say and what we do not say. He is a good Father.
All things work together for your good… and maybe that is the only answer you need to your why….
So today, declare that to your wall of why’s that keep your from Him and watch it fall…