Like falling out of an airplane freeing.
Like telling the entire class who you have a crush on.
Writing is freeing in those ways.
There are so many things I would love to pour my heart out about. I’d love for you to sit on my sofa while I share my heart that lives on my sleeve. In some cases, you might find it freeing for you to listen. Maybe it would be empowering to you to see rawness in that way.
So pretend you are here. Right here right now, as I pour out my heart, maybe it will make yours free.
I sat on the carpet, kneeling, open, crying. I let it all out. All of it. I sat with Jesus and He painted my hands gold, reminding me that everything I touch is impacted. He wrote hope on my hands and as I lay before Him I told Him it was the end. It was the end of me. I have nothing left. I have laid it all out before Him. I have cried the last tear I can cry. That’s it. It’s all I’ve got.
I felt sets of eyes peering at me from the banister, and I heard two little figures scurry back to their beds. I went up stairs and explained me. The rawness. The rough edges. I love that they get to see what beautiful brokeness looks like. I love that I can tell them, “It’s good to cry it out with Jesus.” And tell them that from a place of understanding and experience. I love that somehow in the brokeness He is still teaching.
I told Him it was my limit, it was my end, and I realize He takes my ends and makes them beginnings. He knew that I would be here in this moment, desperate for His care and he would meet me there. He knew that I needed this; this time, this place, and as much as I kneel before Him telling Him I’m done, I’m not.
He takes circumstances and presents us with opportunities for intimacy. We can steward those moments, leap in His arms and find what we need.
At times I wish I had more rainbows then rough edges, but He uses colors in the sky to remind everyone in my life that His promises are true.
At times I fight Him on the process. Ok, most times I fight Him on the process. I want microwave versions of teaching tutorials so I can get what I need and go, move on to something else. He loves crock pot processes. He says it will taste better in the end. He says He’d rather see me annoyed now and flourishing later then to see my appetite appeased with something that is less then excellent.
I’m not good at process. I’m not good at standing and waiting, throwing my prayers and arms up at the sky, hoping that what falls back down will hit me differently then how I threw it up there. I am not good at standing and waiting. I’m not good at waiting…
I’m thankful that His grace is enough to cover what I am not good at. I don’t have to try and be… I can just be and ask that His grace covers my weak spots. Through Him I am the most excellent woman in waiting of all time. Through Him I can draw on His strength and I can enjoy EVERY process through Him.
In the battles of the mind I have come to recognize, I’ve noted one staple that is getting ripped out of me, ALL of my processes; avoidance.
Avoidance seems like the greatest plan to step back…and do nothing. Process nothing. Cry for nothing. Avoid the heart’s needs all together. I have felt many a times a pressure to have it all together, to never stop and feel what’s really going on. When I avoid, it takes something away from the intimacy between Him and I. I have used many things to hide behind in the garden and not confront where my heart is really at. Avoidance, like ignoring the heart’s needs for a band-aid of momentary apathy. We can’t band-aid the heart’s cry for intimacy with God. That connection is pivotal, and without it we bleed on everything around us.
A dear friend of mine once told me to get angry with God, to tell Him how I really felt. To lay it all out there. And so a few years ago, for the first time… I did. I held nothing back, and He showed up in a vision I will never forget. It was my end, and also my beginning.
And so, a few days ago, I felt that same shift. The End. The time where everything stops and starts at the same time. The time where my dependency on Him is magnified to the point where nothing else seems flavorful to me.
He is the healer, the one who takes the sore spots and uses them. He’s the one who releases grace in the middle of the storm. He is the one who deserves praise in the storm. He is the one who is good, regardless of how it feels in this moment. He is the God who sees and rescues.
If you’ve been hiding, it’s time.
If you’ve been avoiding, it’s time.
He’s calling your heart. It’s your end.
I wrote this to my sister 2 years ago. It came back around to me this week. His spirit rested on it and as I read it, I knew it was just as relevant to her then as it is to me now…..
“What you may think is the end of you could be your beginning. Guilt can not make this decision, strength must, fear can not lead you, hope must…. Rename fear bravery, and then fear will be no more”
Renaming Fear is the anthem of this season. As God draws me closer to His heart and my Life Love song is emerging, I am confronted with the one thing that will keep me from everything: Fear.
Fear will rob you of everything, if you allow it. Fear steals, kills, and destroys. It makes you believe a false reality that takes everything and leaves nothing. But His love, His outrageous love completely removes fear. So, as I fall more into line with His heart for me, as I open myself up and ask Him to fill me with His love; the wake that fear created, it leaves and the pain of fear goes. I am left completely full of His Love. God is a lover who always leaves us full, He always leaves us better, equipped, Loved, empowered, comforted and steadfast. Even in the storms, He always leaves us full.
We don’t have to have it all together all the time. We don’t have to strive to be someone we are not. We can cry it out with Jesus and trust that He is faithful, He can take it. He can take us, all of us, in our most raw real moments; that’s what He wanted, Us.
I was expensive, so the least I can offer, is everything I have…
This song broke me wide open to His heart.
Praise Him like everything you are asking for He has already done