She squeezed my hand and the warmed from her touch reached my heart in an instant. We walked up the school bulling, hand in hand, Kairos 9 feet in front of us already. His walk was more of a fast skip as he raced forward in the independence of not having to hold mom’s hand. He knew the routine and there was freedom in that.
She holds my hand, he runs ahead. The relational and the warrior.
We reached the side walk were we give out last goodbye for the day. She fidgets her feet; I fluff her hair. I felt the need to kneel down, way down, to her level so I could really hug her. She lingered there for a while, hugging and chatting, hugging once again in-between sentences. Somehow I see more of me in her, than I see of own herself. She reflect me; my heart, the way I speak, my expressive eyes. We both love quality time and this five mins of her and I, eye to eye, was just what her love tank needed . I told her she would be safe today as Holy Spirit whispered in my heart to tell her. I kissed her on the forehead breathing her in as my knees pressed down on the cold concrete.
By the time I got up I could feel her, in my spirit.
I walked away from that moment noticing the invisible pull from her to me. Like a cord that connects us. I watched her walk down the long outside hallway toward class wanting to cry because…. I love her. I left thinking how amazing that it really feels like she is my heart walking outside of my body. That somehow a piece of me was inside of her, a piece of me I never want back but long to protect and nuture.
I rested in those thoughts as I climbed back into my car. My hear lingered and before long I was back to the garden. Back to thoughts of what was God’s original intention for us was. He made us to look like Him, to be with Him to relate to Him. He made us as son’s… .
I am God’s heart walking around outside of His body.
That is how He sees me.
I came back home to the stillness, to the softness of His presence and the openness of my heart for His affection.
I realized today how much there is a hidden presence that attacks intimacy from a child to parent. There is a constant ever flowing push from the world for independence from being a parent. I feel like push lead us away from the fluttering eyes and hearts of our children. It tells us that being a present parent is a burden. It tells us being a parent is hard and ” when they get older it’s worse.”
It pains me, that this is how our generation is building the next. Children, are a gift but we do not talk about them like they are annoying. We don’t tell them that they are words from heaven. That they are pieces of Gods heart that we can learn from and that each of them, each of us, are here to give the world a new glimpse of who God is. We don’t tell them that they are valuable and we as a community of people joke about the annoyances of raising the next generation. These are the very people who will have our finger prints on their hearts.
I often giggle in my mind as I sort through the lies of being a single parent. Singleness. I’ve considered buying a moo-moo and a few cats at times but thankfully I have great friends who insist this is really not necessary. The real truth is, one of the reasons in the natural that I am single is because I have kids. I laughed about it this morning because I thought if God had placed value on something tangible….. like having An EPIC car and I had TWO epic cars….. I would be the talk of the town.
But GOD placed value on children… and I have two, and that is one thing keeps men at bay. I am by no means complaining about protection from frogs of men, or at being single. I am simply stating that the world is creating this frog mindset that we encourage in each other. If God says children are gifts… that is what I believe in my soul. The world says they are a burden unless they are wanted, and even if they are wanted as soon as they are inconvenient then they are a burden again.
A few months after my youngest was born, I was at a friend’s Thanksgiving dinner where I was one of two mothers with two babies on the hip. The room took turns going around and sharing what they did to get to know one another. They shared their successes, their achomplismnets, and when they got to me, they skipped over me. They went right on to the next person at the table and no one noticed…. but me. They looked and saw that I was JUST a mom and that wasn’t REALLY interesting or successful. I didn’t have anything of interesting to offer them as a person. I was actually defined by ‘having two kids.” That was it.
The more I understand who I am as a daughter of God the more I realize I am actually defined by His nature. The more I know who He is the more I know who I am.**
**((THIS school>> Is rocking my world>> LSSM: ))
My children define themselves by me. Who I say they are is what they believe. What I say in words or actions is what they believe about themselves. It empowered them, or debilitates them.
Who God says I am is what I believe. Who God says they are is what I believe.
I believe that children are a gift from God… I want to treat His gifts with the Love and Kindness He treats me with.
Its time for a mentally shift… back to God’s heart. <3 <3 <3
“….for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”